Just from the title alone are you big mad or little mad?!

“I wish relationships were like they used to be back in our grandparents’ day.” We’ve all heard it right? Often if spews from the mouth of some emotional Eff Boy with little to nothing to offer a woman who posts the following kinds of memes…

First of all fam, unless it’s Christmas morning and all 13 of your first cousins showed up with their spouses and kids in tow, this is wasteful!

Secondly, did you bring home any of the groceries to support this level of unnecessary cooking…

Thirdly, since we’re keeping it real prehistoric…

Unless you answered yes to all of the above, miss me with asking me can I cook before you bother learning my last name.

Actually, miss me with it altogether, unless we’re building a home together you don’t need to be privy to that information.

Back to the original point, why do so many people default to this idea that our grandparents didn’t face the same struggles we did or that relationships were somehow easier back in the 60s?

I’m pretty sure it’s hard to be romantic when you can’t take your lady to a decent restaurant because you’re living in Jim Crow ‘Murica… IJS!

What if I were to tell you that your Granny, Grandma, Big Mama, or Muh’Dear, couldn’t stand your granddaddy? What if I told you the same disdain you have for your ex (or current) is the same way your very own Mama Joe felt about your Pawpaw?

Let me guess, you don’t believe me?! I bet you’re sitting at your computer screen ready to let me know that your grandparents were married for more than 40 years before The Good Lord called Grandpa home. I can see you now, ready to quote the obituary of your Papa.

“He leaves to cherish his memory his wonderful wife and the love of his life Lula Belle Jenkins and 6 beautiful children…”

Guess what, just because things last it doesn’t mean they are fulfilling or happy. Wanna know how I know? Well, I’m willing to bet you either have or had a relationship, a job, a friendship, an outfit or a hairstyle that you presently cannot stand but held onto for some reason that made sense to you at one time or another.

Why y’all?! Why were we wearing these things and who lied to us and said they were cute?!

For some of us, this was the same way our grandmothers felt about their marriages to our grandfathers. I’m here to tell you 3 reasons why everything that’s gilded ain’t gold and why you need to stop pining away for the relationship you thought your grandparents had.

GRANDDADDY WAS NO GOOD!

Maybe this isn’t your story, and I pray it isn’t because it’s one of the saddest stories I’ve ever been told. But speaking from personal experience, my great-grandfather was the original rolling stone. I don’t mean that in the fun upbeat sing-songy tempo of The Temptations. I mean that in the he had two families, two separate names, and two sets of children kind of rolling stone. I mean the hop a train, stay gone for weeks, leave your wife and children to figure out the rest, and dare them to question you when you return sort of man.

That was my great-grandfather; I thought my family was an anomaly, a unique blend of hot mess and heartache. Then I started talking to other people, and I experienced a saddening, shocking revelation. The grandfather with outside children, secret families, and wandering eyes was about as commonplace as hot combs and outhouses back in the day. Nobody dared to question him because he was doing what was expected of him, what a lot of men did, and he was the man of the house. Women “knew their place” I threw up a little as I typed that, and knew better than to question their men. Our grandmothers stayed in the kinds of relationships reality TV shows don’t even begin to scratch the surface of. Yet we continue to glorify these marriages because they stood the test of time. You know what else lasted for years, slavery. Just because something lasts, doesn’t mean it was good.

GRANDMA HAD NO CHOICE!

So I haven’t completely ticked you off and you have made it to part two of my little post.

Go ahead and celebrate your accomplishment!

By now you’re probably thinking, so what relationships were rough back in the day! BUT people stayed in their marriages and fought through the hard times. They didn’t give up like we do nowadays. Hate to break it you, really don’t, but there is a reason for that and I think I know why. I’ve got a theory on why even some of the unhappiest of marriages had anniversaries that spanned several decades.

Our grandmothers had no choice!

Think about it like this, your Grandma or Great-Grandma probably grew up in a time where marriage was viewed as a woman’s only source of economic stability. The only way to ensure she would be taken care of was to marry and produce children. The presence of women in the workforce is fairly new and women who were allowed to work back in Granny’s day were often pigeonholed to domestic work that could not support a household. If grandma wanted to keep a roof over her head and her children fed she had to learn to just deal with some things. She was probably taught at some point in her youth that her husband may cheat on her, or beat on her, or even drink himself to death but as long as he went to work and paid bills she was not allowed to complain. A lot of women were groomed to need men and to never question their man’s authority. Think of all the crazy stuff we do in this generation to keep men we want. Imagine the hell you could be subjected to in order to keep a man you NEED, a man who you depend on for livelihood. A man who knows you have nowhere to go and will continue to do whatever he wants because he isn’t worried about losing you. Still sure you want that old thing back, do you really want to be like Granny?! Doesn’t sound nearly as sweet as you thought huh?!

EMBRACE YOUR OPTIONS!

Listen, I know that everyone’s grandparents or great grandparents don’t have the same tragic love story that mine did. Honestly, I’m truly grateful for that fact. But the reality is that a lot of them did and we now have the power to break the cycle. The great thing about modernization is that it has opened lots of doors and created tons of possibilities for women. Women now have the option to work, get an education, and support themselves. We are no longer subjected to the mindset that a woman has to be taken care of by a man; women can provide financial stability for themselves without the assistance of a partner. Don’t get me wrong, I love relationships (happy, healthy, equally yoked ones that is) but I also love the freedom that modernization has given me with regards to relationships.

I don’t HAVE TO choose a partner because I need him to survive. I will choose a partner because we fit together and can enhance one another’s lives. I don’t have to turn a blind eye to a potential partner’s indiscretions to keep from making waves in order to maintain my livelihood. I don’t just have to accept being mistreated because having a man to take care of me is better than no man at all. It’s 2016 and sisters are doing it for themselves! Men have learned they have to step their game up because having a job with benefits isn’t cutting it like it did back in the day.

We have those now too!

The image is shifting, soon you will be the grandparents that a child looks to, and you will be the inspiration for that child’s future relationships. Show them what it looks like when two happy, healthy, whole people come together to create a dynamic, mutually beneficial partnership. Show them that true love and a successful marriage is about more than just the number of anniversaries you rack up, but the quality of life you had while being in your marriage. Do it different from Big Mama, do love the way she would’ve wanted it to be, do love the way she deserved it to be but didn’t get to experience. Don’t be miserable, be memorable, be remarkable, be amazing! We owe it to her and to ourselves!

#TeamCurry Y’all had to know this was coming!