We’ve all heard the saying, “too blessed to be stressed”. In some instances I’ve even heard people say “too blessed to be depressed”. The logic here is that if you live a life of favor you cannot succumb to or be overwhelmed by stress and depression. As an infinitely blessed woman who is coming out of what is my fourth or fifth bout of depression (I’m struggling to keep count at this point) I’m here to tell you that’s some bull-ish. Depression isn’t about how much you have or how good you have it. Depression, which I imagine is the visual manifestation of the offspring of the Gross sisters and those creatures from Ah! Real Monsters, gives no effs about your worldly possessions or any of your accolades.

Depression is a disease often caused by a neurological imbalance — sometimes brought on by the challenging circumstances of life; or in many instances, a combination of the two. We see it often, people who appear to have it all and still make the decision to end their lives. If the acquisition of stuff could really change our outlook on life a lot of people would still be here with us today.

Gather round I got a story to tell…

Picture it, Nashville, September 2017… The job I have loses its federal funding and there is no money to replace it. I’m encouraged to start looking for other work because the well will run dry by September 2018. For 8 months I search for other employment; with each rejection I become more frustrated, hopeless, and you guessed it… DEPRESSED. I wanted to give up. I didn’t feel like I’d ever find another job. I started struggling to get out of bed. I forgot to eat at times. AND I TOLD NOBODY I WAS DEPRESSED. Ask my friends, I never missed an event, always had premium gas for the squad, and stayed with a beat face.

EXHIBIT A

I have what you call high functioning depression. I get things done (sometimes at the last minute but they get done). I show up (sometimes late but I’m there). Most people would never know I was depressed unless I shared it with them, and I didn’t. Eventually the tide turned and on May 18^th I was offered a new job that I’m convinced God created just for me. So that was it right? The storm clouds began to roll away and my depression got sent packing, right? WRONG! That’s not how it works! Your brain doesn’t stay in a funk for several months and then just shed the haziness after receiving good news. For no less than 2 weeks after receiving the news of my job offer I was still mustering up all of my energy just to get out of bed in the morning. I still wasn’t eating like I should. And I wasn’t confident this blessing I’d received would pan out… because depression.

The not so funny thing about depression is that it has a squad too. You will almost never see depression’s ugly mug without seeing its equally ugly twin anxiety. Anxiety told me I might not pass my drug test even though I don’t use drugs. Anxiety’s messy ahh told me I wouldn’t pass my background check because someone might have stolen my identity. Anxiety is always running its mouth making people worry about things they need not be concerned with. ANXIETY CAN CATCH THESE HANDS! Depression & Anxiety (bka Binderella’s evil step-siblings) are crafty heauxs. They convince you to focus on the bad times even when things are going well. They tell you that bad times are perpetual when you’re going through a tough season. They are the worst bullies you would ever want to meet and I wouldn’t wish them on my worst enemy. I am just now getting to the point where I’m not having irrational fears about my future. I’m just now seeing the clouds roll away. I’m just now beginning to feel settled. Like anything else depression is a process. It takes time to recover and it takes support and effort to maintain that recovery. Those are the only things that work. Money doesn’t heal depression, fame doesn’t heal depression, beauty doesn’t heal depression, success doesn’t heal depression. Depression’s only kryptonite is effective treatment. Remember all that glitters isn’t gold and some people are literally dying to break out of their gilded cages.

I’m blessed and still somewhat depressed. The two can and do co-exist. While I would consider my depression moderate it still has the capacity to impact my daily functioning. I still have to do the work. I still have to seek treatment when I need it.

I have never contemplated suicide nor am I currently experiencing thoughts of suicide but thank you for being willing to ask.

In loving memory of Kate Spade and all of the fallen soldiers who didn’t feel like they could battle this demon another day.

In gracious reverence of those who struggle daily with giving up and bowing out. Please don’t leave, you are loved and needed.

In formidable solidarity with my brothers and sisters who like myself want to live and fight like hell to beat this beast.

If you or anyone you know is experiencing thoughts of suicide please contact the National Suicide Prevention Lifeline at 1 (800) 273-8255.