Yeah, you read that right… I DON’T TRUST GOD. Before you call the Jesus police on me, just hear me out.

“…Yet a time is coming and has now come when the true worshipers will worship the Father in the Spirit and in truth, for they are the kind of worshipers the Father seeks. God is Spirit, and his worshipers must worship in the Spirit and in truth.” – John 4:23-24

Guess what, this blog is my testimony so it’s definitely my worship, and this right here is my truth. We’re homies right? Girl then sit down, pour up some of my Granny’s sweet tea and listen at (yes chile, listen at) what’s been going on with God and me.

Patiently waiting as you respond with “Girl, whet?!”

So I’m a firm believer in transparency. I prefer to be honest and put it all out there because that’s the only way things get resolved. About two weeks ago in an effort to be honest with God I uttered words I never thought would come out of my mouth, “Lord I don’t trust you.” I know what you’re thinking, that’s taboo, you can’t say that, or if you’re really feeling some type of way… “You say you’re a Christian, HOW DARE YOU NOT TRUST GOD?!” But here I am, Christian, loving God, proclaiming His name, believing in His power, obeying His commandments (most of them, most of the time) and not trusting Him. I don’t trust Him all the time, not nearly as much as I should, or as much as people think I do. But I want to, DESPERATELY! More than I want anything else right now I want to trust My Daddy, but I don’t. It isn’t because He isn’t worthy of my trust or that He hasn’t earned it, just the opposite in fact. In spite of His consistency and His word never returning unto me void, I GOT TRUST ISSUES!

Did you read that in the Detroit lexicon of Big Sean, if so we can be friends.

Look I know I’m not the only one… Am I? If I am let me know if this little plan that was revealed to me while crying out to God and yelling at Him is going to work. Although God is not man, He is male. So I said to Him, “Lord, men have hurt me, lied to me, betrayed me, molested me, and attacked me. I have a lifetime of broken promises from men who vowed to love me. They weren’t promises from You Lord but they were promises that were broken nonetheless. So God how do I do this? How do I trust You when Your sons, who were made in Your image have made me regret trusting them time and time again”.

Don’t ask for answers in the Spirit and think you won’t get them because the response I got I was not expecting. Truth be told the bulk of this blog post was pirated from the Holy Spirit; I was just taking dictation as the Spirit spoke. I heard this and I knew it was God.

“Take a chance on Me; let Me show you Who I Am. Get to know My character! I want to love you whole and healed. I don’t mind the brokenness, I don’t mind the weakness. I can show you My strength in that. I can shine My light through your cracks. I know it’s scary, but you have to try Me in order to trust Me. You’ll never trust Me if you don’t try Me! We can take it slow; we can take it a little at a time. I will show you the difference between Who I am and what the world is. The world seeks to steal, kill, and destroy. I promised you hope and a future. But it’s hope in Me, a future with Me. I can’t give you My blessing if you treat Me like the world.”

After I got up off of my tear stained face I realized something. God will court me but He won’t chase me. He will meet me where I am but He won’t drag me away from that place. I believe in His power. I believe He will bless and restore. I live by most of His teachings, most of the time. I know some scriptures, not all of them but quite a few. Probably like 43 at least, maybe more. I can recite the books of the Bible in order; shout out to the NESMBC drill team! I love Him, but I don’t trust Him. Y’all this relationship is REAL JACKED UP! I mentioned in a previous post that love isn’t enough. I’d tell anyone else to walk away from this kind of relationship. Trust is earned but it is also tested. How can you be in a relationship with someone who doesn’t trust you? As of late my relationship with God has been really one-sided. He has been doing all of the giving and I’ve just been standing there giving Him Maxine Waters face and saying, “is that all You got?” It isn’t going to stay that way though, God and I are in what I like to call “Spiritual Therapy”. We are working through this rough patch in our relationship because this relationship matters to the both of us. This won’t be easy but I believe it’ll be worth it. God is awesome and He knows me and all of my anxiety so He even shared some of the plan with me. These steps may be specific to me but if you are struggling with trusting Him I definitely think it’ll help you as well.

First, forgive God. “What you talmbout Cass, God ain’t did nothing to me!” If you’re anything like me when you realize you don’t trust Him, you’ll also recognize that you haven’t forgiven Him. I forgive people more than I forgive God for things they did that I blame Him for. I KNOW that sounds really crazy but you wanted the truth. My truth comes with a piping hot side of CRAZY! My BFF is easily forgiven because I give her grace. I trust my BFF more than I trust God right now, and that’s not okay AT ALL. She’s dope AF, but honey she is not out here dying for my sins! I have even forgiven my exes. I will never trust them again but they have my forgiveness. I can’t do God like that though. He isn’t my ex; He’s my all and all. I can’t treat him like I treat the world. (Now do you see why trust and forgiveness go hand in hand?) Once you forgive Him there are a couple of other things you have you to do too… Run to Him first instead of running to people. Pray. Cry. Get an accountability partner. Get a mentor. Go to therapy. Pray again. Cry some more. Pray some more. CRY! TRY! DON’T GIVE UP! I know that doesn’t sound really technical but that’s what I’ve got for you. I’ve heard I just have to trust God more times than I can remember. The reality is trusting God is not like putting on pants, there is no simple 3 step process to developing trust. Sometimes it’s HARD to trust God. There are days when we can’t see the plan and nothing looks like it will pan out. Those days are the days where we question Him and His promises. I don’t know about you but I HATE not knowing what will come. My disdain for uncertainty makes trusting Him even harder sometimes. Trusting God takes commitment, even when it’s hard, ESPECIALLY when it’s hard. We have to give God the same chance that we ask Him for. We have to grace Him with the same patience we ask Him for. We have to open our hearts to Him just as He has done for us. Dare I say it; we have to take a risk with our faith. The end will justify the means when we get to the place we want to be with God.

Writing this post was not easy for me. I had to admit and confess something I do not want to be true. I am struggling but I haven’t been lying. I do love God. I do believe in His power. I truly believe He will do what He says He will do… FOR OTHERS. However, right now I am struggling with trusting Him for myself. This wasn’t something I wanted to do but I had to share my truth. When I admit that I’m not where I want to be God is glorified. Despite everything my mind is trying to discourage me from believing I am still choosing to seek Him and believing that trust will come. I can’t live with fake it til I make it faith anymore. God will do it and I’m going to move out of the way so He can do His thing. I plan to keep y’all posted on how this journey goes. My imperfect self is a part of the process so I’m certain I’ll do something that isn’t right along the way.  He doesn’t need my help but He does require my surrender. TODAY, I SURRENDER ALL! If this has been your struggle I pray you surrender too, the fullness of God is waiting on us!

“‘If you can’?” said Jesus. “Everything is possible for one who believes.” Immediately the boy’s father exclaimed, “I do believe; help me overcome my unbelief!” – Mark 9:23-24