DISCLAIMER – This is primarily for my single girls. If you are already in a relationship and you think he’s lying you have EVERY right to slip, slide, hide, and investigate until you find out the truth. But if you have to do all of that something ain’t right…

But for my single sisters, my solo gals, my unattached snacks… EVERYTHING he tells you is GOSPEL TRUTH! Bae, your crush, and that cute guy from IT who wears the oatmeal colored Dockers are all 100% honest with you! I know what you’re thinking, “no they’re not Cass”! As a matter of fact you currently have 37 examples locked and loaded of how their words and actions don’t connect worse than Anthony Hamilton’s beard.

Y’all I love me some Anthony but this beard is the textbook definition of struggle!

You know what, you’re right HE’S LYING, you know it, I know it, Jesus knows it, his mama’s next door neighbor’s, best friend’s barber knows it too… AND NONE OF THAT MATTERS. You wanna know why? Because he’s telling you exactly what he wants you to believe, SO BELIEVE WHATEVER HE TELLS YOU BELOVED!

He’s been hurt before so his heart is guarded and he’s not ready to open up.

He’s not looking for a relationship right now.

He’s not ready to settle down and get married.

The two of you are JUST FRIENDS!

1 – I have lost count of the amount of guys I’ve helped to overcome pain and distress. They thanked me, told me I’d make a really good therapist one day, left their emotional baggage on my doorstep, and went on to find their one true love. SPOILER ALERT I wasn’t the one true love they found! Don’t try to convince yourself you can get him to love you if you show him how patient, understanding, and non-threatening you are. Congrats on that unpaid therapy internship you just signed up for! I’m certain his future wife thanks you; she’s not you by the way. It doesn’t matter if he tells you he feels like he can share things with you that he can’t share with anyone else. I don’t care if he tells you his deepest secrets and his worst hurts. You just helped a man reach emotional awakening with nary a benefit. So when he tells you his heart is guarded, even if it isn’t LET HIM LIE TO YOU! Tell him you wish him well and bounce!

2 & 3 – Don’t wait it out hoping he will make a wife out of you and a husband out of himself. EYE. YAM. KNOT Beyonce’ Giselle Knowles-Carter, my thighs remind me of this every day! And neither are you!

I wouldn’t be ish if I was, I’m barely worth a damn now. You’d be able to tell me absolutely NOTHING if I was Yonce!

I can’t wait for a dude to grow up, man up, give in, go for broke, hit rock bottom, or whatever else is required for him to finally be ready for a fulfilling, committed relationship with me. If that man tells you he has no plans of being married or even committing to a monogamous relationship don’t you sit there like Celie waiting for Mister for him to change his mind.

ISSA NO, BEEN A NO, GONE FUHEVA BE A NO!

The reality is that he may very well want a relationship. BUT if he tells you he doesn’t want one BELIEVE HIM even if he is lying! Situationships, Understandings, and “Bonds Over Titles” can look like relationships, require what a relationship requires, and even stress you out like a relationship while simultaneously not being one! You’re gonna mess around and be an EXCELLENT practice girlfriend. Don’t be out  here in a love scrimmage sis! You’re making sweet potato biscuits and doctor’s appointments for him waiting for him to see what a great wife you can be when he doesn’t even want to be a boyfriend! I don’t care if he “treats” you like a girlfriend, YOU ARE NOT HIS GIRLFRIEND!

Give me one of the biscuits if you insist on making them though, I’m hungry!

4 – AND if he says you’re just a friend then you is JUST A FREN! I don’t care if he looks at you the way Joe Biden looks at Barack Obama from time to time or tries to sneak in a booty rub every now and again… YOU’RE THE FRIEND WITH THE NICE BOOTY that he occasionally tries to rub DASSIT! Stop letting him cop feels! Bible Study & Booty Rubs are reserved for YOUR MAN! Some men will use you like a wife and keep you in the friend zone until Kingdome Comes if you let them.  Sleeping with him makes him a friend with benefits, inviting him to the family cookout makes him the friend your granny makes a plate for before she makes yours (now this ninja got your banana pudding), AND lending him money makes him a friend who owes you money you’ll never see again! I have an inside tip for you… Friend, Amigo, Compadre, Homie… all synonyms for one another but NONE of them are synonyms for wife or girlfriend. You’re gonna mess around and find yourself plucking the petals from daisies wailing “he loves me, he loves me not” while Tamia’s Almost plays in the background.

I’ve NEVER done anything this crazy by the way, couldn’t find the damn daisies.

BONUS! This one isn’t a lie BUT, any man who LITERALLY tells you he ain’t ish is not only honest but also insightful. I know there are a lot of educated, spiritual, civic minded men who seem like they would make great boyfriends who’ve told you they were slaw, subpar, and mediocre. Listen to me and listen well… HE CAN TOTALLY BE EXCELLENT ON PAPER AND PISS POOR IN PERSON. Leave your friend with the broken heart, who ain’t ish, and isn’t ready for commitment right where you found him. PLEASE!

Waits 2 seconds for you to decide that your guy who totally meets the Barnacle Boy criminal profile is different and that you’re totally going to disregard everything I’ve said.

I know you’re probably not going to listen to me. Most people don’t, I’ve learned not to take it personally. You’re more than likely going to skip to his house with a basket of fresh sweet potato biscuits on a mission to change his mind. You’re also probably going to find him leaving to go on a date with that future wife I told you about that ain’t you. You’re probably also then going to commit more than $500 worth of vandalism (which is a felony) because you can’t believe the man who told you he didn’t want you doesn’t want you. SHOCKING! And after they book you and you’re posting bitter, heartbroken song lyrics from Cell block D on your contraband iPhone 4C wishing you’d listened to me… I’ll STILL be there to accept your monthly collect call from your women’s correctional facility of choice. Because you’re my sister and I LUH YOU!

PS – Fellas y’all gotta start believing us too. When we tell you we are crazy BELIEVE us. We told you we’d turn all of your Cole Haan shoes into confetti for our next birthday celebration and you didn’t listen to us! So many busted windows and broken hearts could be avoided if we all took one another’s words at face value. We’re out here being an insurance company’s worst nightmare because y’all giggled when we told y’all we were crazy. Now you have to pay a deductible and we have to make GoFundMes for our commissaries. It didn’t have to be this way! It could all be so simple, but we’d rather make it hard. Be Better Beloveds. Take him at his word, even when it’s a lie.