Welcome Back Connoisseurs of Controversy! Get your Twitter fingers ready to argue with me in the comments!

If you’re a millennial on social media then you probably heard that some of our faves are headed to divorce court. It’s sad. FULL STOP.

I don’t know Tia, Cory, Nazanin, or Miguel but I’m fairly confident none of them got married anticipating they’d be turning their I dos into I don’ts. HOWEVER, because they walked in with their hearts and their eyes wide open both couples reportedly drafted and signed pre-nups before signing their marriage licenses. And I STAN!

Before y’all DRAG me just hear me out…

I know there are folks who are #AntiPreNup for an array of reasons…

1. It feels like planning for the end.
2. We don’t have enough assets to justify a pre-nup.
3. It shows a lack of commitment to your vows.
4. Why get married if you don’t think it’ll last a lifetime?
5. Divorce is not an option for me and my spouse!

I hear all of those reasons. I can even respect some of them but as an Enneagram 1 and a licensed marriage and family therapist I can’t vibe with any of them. I’ve seen too much!

The reality is that about 50% of all marriages don’t make it til death do us part. Which means that even the most committed, devoted, optimistic people are just as likely to stay married as they are to get divorced. As a hopeful (notice I didn’t say hopeless) romantic I love me some love! I want the warm fuzzies of the little things and the tear-jerking, grand and sweeping overtures. I want it all!

If I ever get married This Will Be by Natalie Cole will play as me and Husbae exit the wedding ceremony because that’s for damn sure the hope and prayer! BUT as a practical realist I’m not going to leave anything concerning my love life and my livelihood to chance. So here are my responses to the folks who are not a part of #PreNupGang

1. It feels like planning for the end – I mean with a 50/50 chance of the end being divorce or death maybe planning for the end ain’t so bad?! We plan for our partners to leave us via the latter; I recommend covering all the bases!
2. We don’t have enough assets to justify a pre-nup – Pre-Nups aren’t just for assets and they aren’t just for wealthy people either! You can make plans for future wealth acquisition, debt distribution, custody, travel arrangements, end of life requests, ANYTHING YOU WANT (within reason)!
3. It shows a lack of commitment to your vows – No it doesn’t… They can actually be a pathway to talking about some of the things that often create irreconcilable differences in marriage – finances, family planning, fidelity, ETC.
4. Why get married if you don’t think it’ll last a lifetime? – It’s not that people don’t think their marriages will last. It’s that they’ve accounted for the reality that it may not… because data.
5. Divorce is not an option for me and my spouse! – Ok so lean in… I want you and your spouse to stay together forever. I see y’all… the love is looking very much real. Again, I STAN. However, it takes BOTH OF YOU to agree to be married. Only ONE OF YOU has to decide to end the marriage for divorce to absolutely be an option.

Nobody’s marriage is divorce proof. I don’t care what that Thumb Treaty lady said. Life be LIFING and it can fundamentally change you and your partner. Growing together in love doesn’t happen by chance and lots of people struggle with it. I’ve experienced it with family relationships and friendships; professionally speaking, marriages aren’t exempt.

The last point is what I think happened for Miguel, Nazanin, Cory, & Tia. Both couples met early in life; late teens | early twenties. They are now in their late 30s & early 40s. A LOT of life happens in 20 or so years! Especially during some of the most formative decades regarding identity development.

Not to mention navigating marriage in the pandemic; cus it’s still a pandemic outside!

I don’t want this blog post to give think piece but I THINK their growth is just taking them in different directions. Sometimes people grow together; sometimes they grow apart. Not all love stories end with happily ever after AND not all love stories that end in divorce have a villain. Sometimes things just end! I wish them all well. I’m also legitimately sad for them. Losing love you thought would last a lifetime sucks… REAL BAD!

I know there are marriages that ride til the wheels fall off and I truly want that for all people who are married into a safe and healthy dynamic.* Hell, if somebody’s son ever makes life with him seem like the move I want it for myself. Pero like… just in case we don’t make it. Sis will have a pre-nup!

If you’re thinking about getting one… talk it over with your future spouse. Pre-nups don’t have to be ominous or scary. They also aren’t an indicator that your partner doesn’t love you, doesn’t trust you, or doesn’t have faith in the future of the relationship. If y’all are in it FUHEVA you should be able to discuss any topic. Just make it another item on the wedding planning checklist…

⁃ set a date
⁃ book a venue
⁃ take engagement photos
⁃ sign up for premarital counseling
⁃ Ask Bae — prenup or nah?!

Happy Cuffing Season! Stay safe and moisturized! I’ll see y’all in the comments!

P.S. – I can see some of y’all thinking that I got a lot to say for someone who isn’t married and never has been. To that I say… check my credentials. I also want to lovingly remind you that the only people who get divorced are people who have been married. Being married doesn’t necessarily make you an expert on marriage.

P.P.S. – I couldn’t find any reputable data for divorce rates for couples with pre-nups versus divorce rates for couples without pre-nups. If you have a link with reputable data I’d love to review it. If you have discourse with no data I’m likely gonna refute it. Either way, let’s chat. If it matters, it produces controversy – let’s get into it.

* It’s Domestic Violence Awareness Month and I’d be remiss if I didn’t acknowledge that some marriages are unsafe. If you’re experiencing abuse I pray you’re able to leave safely and heal fully. Call 800-799-7233 or text START to 88788 for assistance.