As an 80’s born, 90’s bred girl living in a #Goals kind of world, it’s impossible to reference #BlackLove without paying tribute to the humor infused, albeit make-believe love story that is Martin & Gina. Those of us who have yet to find our own real life “Marty-Mart” liken ourselves to the fabulousness that is Gina Waters. She was educated, successful, talented, and willing to rock kicks with no laces to box down any broad who tried it when it came to her boo.

Don’t act like you don’t remember the time that Mrs. Trinidad almost got the business for coming after Martin!

We all loved Gina and on some level we all wanted to be her. I remember longing to be just like the woman Martin adored and Mama Payne couldn’t stand! The girl who made skirt suits with shoulder pads a fashion statement and showed me that an educated woman could rule the world!

 

Despite the similarities and the Target and Sallie Mae receipts I have to prove it, I may have looked the part, but until recently I was not a Gina. And I have news for you sis, more than likely, neither are you!  If you are a woman who lacks a sense of self-worth, has no clue what she wants, and/or accepts whatever she is given, you my dear are a Pam. The only way to be delivered from a Pam Spirit, to stop being who you are and become who you want to be is to own it. Say it with me, “My name is… and I am a Pam.”

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One thing I’ve always admired about Gina is that she was never afraid to walk away. She loved Martin, I mean REALLY loved Martin; you don’t pretend to appreciate a gold “toofes” for just anyone. But as much as she loved him she left him every time she realized he wasn’t willing or was unable to give her what she needed from him. There was the time he refused to grow up and she sashayed her bustier clad frame, giving me all kinds of Selena Quintanilla-Perez REALNESS, right out the door. Or the time he had no sense of identity and she left him and his Ja Rule-esque coif at that bootleg Cirque de Soleil in the forest to “najiramba” solo dolo and wonder what life was gone be like without his baby . Or my personal favorite, the time she hopped on the first thing smoking, prayerfully not Spirit Airlines, to New York because he refused to put a ring on it.

*Pause for Beyoncé dance break!*

Gina learned to love herself before she ever gave her heart to Martin. She didn’t let him half-step the relationship or her. She stopped trying to make him what she wanted him to be and simply told him what she needed. She literally begged him to be a better man and when he didn’t show and prove she bounced! She was a woman after my own heart; she knew what she wanted, who she was, and what she expected of her man. Love was never a justification to accept less than-ness! But she didn’t just throw their love away either, she worked hard for them and was willing to fight for the relationship, but she wasn’t going to do it alone.

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So, now that we’re clear on how to become a Gina, let’s talk about the makeup of a Pam? To be a good Pam, the ingredients are self-doubt, loneliness, and low expectations.

The irony is dripping from that statement like white tears from the eyes of all lives matter trolls.

If you’re content in your Pam-ness, (yes I made that up, call it creative license or being grown as all get-out, whichever you prefer), you can stop reading here. Just strap yourself to the first joker that comes along and you’re set! You’ll probably be miserable but hey, you’ve got a man right! WRONG! Stop accepting the first XY chromosome pairing to send you, “Good morning beautiful” text messages. You are worth more than a copy, paste, and send kind of love. Know what you want and don’t compromise on the things that truly matter.

 

For example, if you’re a water baptized, blood washed, born again Child of God I need you NOT to make the brother who hasn’t seen the inside of a sanctuary since whichever CME holiday is most recent your partner. And for the love of King Cake, do not fall in love with the man who tells you he doesn’t believe in God, doesn’t want children, and will never marry you if those are things you want.

FYI, that was my greatest Pam moment right there! I was the #StruggleBusMVP

You can’t change his mind! As a matter of fact, if you commit to him when he tells you he can never be what you want not only will he never be the man you want him to be, he won’t even try. Honestly, why would he? You gave him your heart and required nothing in return! Have some expectations girl! They are good and you have them in every other area of your life. You expect your check on the 1st and the 15th, you expect your beautician to slay your hair for the entire world to see (can’t be caught out of #Formation) and you expect football every Sunday between August & February, #WhoDat!

If you can have expectations for your job, your stylist, and your cable provider, you better make darn sure you have them for your man! Despite what the world may tell you, you can ask your man to be what you NEED him to be. It’s not being difficult, it’s not necessarily being unrealistic; it’s refusing to settle for being Facebook official or being able to file your taxes jointly. If you know you want a man with some work ethic and ambition and you still fall for Tommy knowing “HE AIN’T GOT NO JOB MAN!” You’ve got nobody to blame but yourself!

 

The only thing worse than settling consciously is settling without realizing you’ve done it. I’ve seen way too many of my Pam sistren compromising and settling without noticing you’re doing it. You commit to warm fuzzies and occasional orgasms because you don’t want to be alone and end up on the longest dead-end street of your life! It never ends, but it doesn’t take you anywhere either. It’s a street you placed yourself on because you walked head first into the unknown. You had no clue what you wanted or expected so you don’t realize you’re disappointed until it’s too late. Don’t be that girl, know who you are, know what you want, know what you have to give, and don’t accept anything less! And if you don’t know these things, take some time and figure them out, you owe yourself that much! I want to see you shine, I want you to be whole and joyful, and letting a man half love you ain’t never made a soul happy. Stop being Pam today! Be the Gina you were meant to be, or in my case be the very best Cassanora you can be. The rest of the sisterhood is sitting in the wings chanting, “YOU GO GIRL!”