I’ve been on some bad dates; I mean some HORRIBLE dates. Dates that were the Katie Ledecky of the Bad Date Olympics… THEY JUST WOULDN’T QUIT! But in true foolery fashion the men of 2017 are not to be out-slawed by my most frustrating first date fails. These new ninjas want to take you to McDonald’s… like where Ronald & Hamburglar live. The place where… “what you want or go ahead” are acceptable greetings. The place where your cup and food items are cut from the same Styrofoam… MC-FREAKING-DONALDS! I don’t know enough languages to tell y’all how many ways that this is a no for me.

How do you say “Ain’t no fawking way!” in Mandarin?!

What you’re not gone do is take me somewhere I’d never even take myself! I’m not about to risk my future life expectancy and current digestive health to hear you tell me about the time you made the game winning play on your peewee football team. I can’t pretend to be interested in your fictitious Pop Warner glory days AND digest plastic at the same time.

IT’S TOO MUCH!

What really burns my bacon AND I HATE BURNT BACON is that I’ve heard THEE lamest excuses for why men want to take me to a place roaches won’t even frequent. Think about it… have you ever seen a roach at McDonald’s? You mean to tell me ROACHES KNOW BETTER BUT YOU DON’T?! I’ve heard it all – “if you’re really interested in getting to know me it doesn’t matter where we go… women don’t want relationships they just want free meals… or my personal favorite – dates are too expensive”. I’ve seen dudes concoct 37 different excuses as to why they can’t take a woman on something that remotely resembles an actual date. However, they refused to use those same mental gymnastics to figure out how to make dating work for their pockets? Cool story bro! I love me some Kanye but I’m pretty sure he and the other founding members of Broke Phi Broke Fraternity, UN-Incorporated are responsible for this new aged foolery! Let me put you up on game…

1. We already know all we need to know about you if you think taking us to a restaurant where Happy Hour consists of half price slushes is an acceptable date. We don’t need to get to know you any further. You’ve already told us that you’re not willing to invest in what you claim to want. You want all reward and no risk. You want access to our mind, bodies, and spirits but you can’t feed us food actually found in nature?! That’s not how the game goes BIG FELLA! You can’t get mad at a woman for giving you McDonald’s employee attitude when you took her to McDonald’s! They put attitude in the water… and probably some GMOs too!
2. WE DON’T NEED YOU TO PAY FOR OUR FOOD! These thick thighs and full hips didn’t come from having empty cupboards. Believe it or not women actually manage to eat and eat well without having to go on dates! Dating means we have to keep a bra on outside of work hours, wear shoes that are uncomfortable at best and torture devices at worst, and put on approximately $112 worth of makeup. We’d rather be at home with our hair wrapped, sans brassiere, eating sushi from a takeout container, saving our good highlighter for our next meetup with the girls. But we don’t want y’all to know where we live and society hasn’t caught onto how fashion forward my mismatched pajamas are so here we are…
3. Lastly, if your dates are expensive it’s because you aren’t resourceful enough to figure out how to court her and mind your coins. Nobody is asking you to break the bank or go for broke on a date. But if you want to be frugal you’ve got to make up for it in other ways. What you lack in funds needs to be made up for in FUN! You don’t get to be cheap AND unoriginal! If you’re in Nashville you have no excuse! There is a FREE festival here approximately every 12 minutes. There was literally a festival to celebrate the tomato a few weeks ago… A TOMATO! But some of y’all are about as smart as you look so I’m here to help you. As a servant of God I’m here to minister to you through inexpensive date ideas. Somebody say “LET HIM USE YOU!” The following are dates that would be much cheaper and much less insulting than a trip to the golden arches. If you’re still trying to take her to McDonald’s after reading this list you just don’t want to be great. If you don’t want to be great and you still insist on being bout that dollar menu life that is your right as an American citizen. Just do us a favor, go be less than, take your Mama to McDonald’s and leave us out of it. Be blessed beloved.

A Date We Won’t Hate

1. 1. Crossroads Grille – This place definitely gives hole in the wall vibes but if Bae is a little bit ratchet and a little bit rock and roll she’ll dig it. The loaded baked potato is $7.99 and it’s worth every calorie, and there are a lot of them. I’m not sure what anything else tastes like or the prices of the other menu items for that matter. I’m committed to that baked potato and I don’t really need anything else in my life. I hear good things about the rest of the menu too.
   2. Cupcake Collection – If Jesus himself created a cupcake it would be the Sweet Potato Cupcake at Cupcake Collection. They have this cute little deck out front that you can sit on with your potential boo, expatiate on whether or not Heaven has a ghetto, and indulge on sweet treats for $2… TWO DOLLARS! If you can’t afford a $4 cupcake date then you don’t need to be dating… PERIOD!
   3. Garden Brunch Café – Because if you’re dating a Black millennial woman in 2017 you’ve already won if you take her to brunch. Brunch isn’t cheap as an institution but Garden Brunch is definitely pocket friendly and locally owned. If you take her to the spot that’s only open 3 days a week and you actually get in without having to wait until the rapture you’re already getting seals of approval from her best gal pals in the group message. FYI any time she picks up her phone they’re talking about you. If you have taken her to brunch they’re saying good things. If you have taken her to McDonald’s before they stop serving breakfast you’re being slandered and your mom has been copied on the emails.
   4. Germantown Pub – Behind our love of brunches, nothing tugs at the bougie heartstrings of a Black millennial woman like a good happy hour. Germantown Pub has one of the best in the city. HALF PRICE DRINKS FAM! A glass of wine is $3 uno, dos, tres BIG FELLA! If you both order a glass of pinot you can leave a $10 bill on the table and walk out feeling like the ballerific player that you are not. $3 worth of wine beats $3 worth of anything at Mickey D’s every day of the week. Even on Mondays and Mondays are the worst!
   5. Pied Piper Creamery – So once you get past the skeevy name this place is perfection. A single scoop of ice cream, which is actually two scoops, will only run you $3.75 each. They have a cute little indoor eating space AND a patio out front for you to enjoy your gourmet frozen dairy in any weather conditions. If you’re lactose intolerant I’d go for eating outside. That way if the ice cream disagrees with you you’ll be able to blame the scent on the dogs that will surely pass by at 73 second intervals. Get the banana fana fo fudding ice cream… Thank me now!
   6. Slim & Husky’s – You can get a slim for $10 and split it… literally. They have vegan options, EVERYTHING is fresh, the vibe is real dope, they put on for the 90s, it’s the hottest new spot in the city and did I mention it was $10?! You literally cannot go wrong! The Smokin’ Herb with Shrimp and Salmon will be your best friend. You might want to order your own honestly. But if you’re balling on a budget splitting it works too.
   7. Surreal Spice Creations – Ok so I’ve never actually been here BUT my foodie homie and several others say it’s bomb… so it’s BOMB! The best salads in the world… not just the city the world Craig are at this spot right here! It’s a locally owned eatery with fresh ingredients and a basic salad (and it’s anything but basic) starts at $7.95! They’re big enough to share but your maybe Bae will probably want her own. They’re that good! If you have to go Dutch she’ll probably be cool with it… if she’s anything like me she pays twice that amount for bottomless mimosas on a fairly regular basis so it’s really no big deal.

Now you have no excuse not to take her on a proper date. Yes you should pay and no she’s not bougie or a gold digger for wanting her food to come on a plate instead of in a bag. Lastly, if you really want to kick it up a notch, take her on a Groupon date. Bougie Black girls love Groupon almost as much as we love brunch. If you take her to brunch with a Groupon y’all basically go together. So now that you know better, do better… or don’t.

P.S. – If you don’t live in Nashville just find the equivalent of these places in your respective cities.